I used to be a health nut back in the day. Wait, that’s a lie, I was a health snob! When Bryan and I first got married I was so disciplined. I would get up every morning at 4:30 and workout for 2 hours, 6 days a week. I never let anything or anyone get in the way of being healthy and staying thin. The best part about it was feeling great and having a lot more confidence. Of course it was much easier back then. I only had one child, a lot more energy, and lived literally 5 min from my gym. Well, those days are long gone, especially the energy part!
I said at the beginning of this year I would blog everyday about my weight loss and struggles. But I have found it harder than I thought it would be. There is a certain vunerability that comes with blogging. You are setting aside pride, letting your guard down, and basically inviting those who read it to praise or criticize. Well one thing I have learned in my yo-yo battle with weight loss is that you have to be able to accept criticism, the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.
I cringe at knowing that I have been an emotional eater. I have turned to food when stressed, bored, and even happy. Looking back I can clearly see the times I have gained weight were when I was going through something. I gained weight when I divorced my first husband, when we moved to Tennessee, when we moved back 4 months later, during hurricane Rita, dealing with the ex, during and after hurricane Ike…well you get the picture. I clearly have issues! LOL! Some would say it’s better than turning to alcohol or drugs, but I have to disagree. Food is a need for survival. You can’t abstain from it or take a 12 step program to cure you. You have to eat to live!
I like to be in control, and when there have been situations out of my control I have turned to food for comfort. There is no comfort in comfort eating. Instead there is guilt, shame, and self loathing. It’s time I take back control of my life.
In January 2009 I hired a trainer and set on the path to healthiness once again. I lost 31 lbs and even won a weight loss contest at my gym. In March the only other tech working with my husband got laid off, and Bryan started working a lot more. In April I got in a minor wreck when a guy pulled out in front of me and my friends heading to bunko one night. It was about that time my weight had started to creep back on, and by the end of the year I gained it all back plus 30 extra pounds.
Right now life isn’t exactly easy for me. Bryan still works a lot, and is still the only one out of his office covering a large area, and he isn’t home much. I have gone days without seeing him. I commend all the single moms out there. I have very much felt like a single mom at times the last 2 years. I held most of my feelings inside, which I realize isn’t healthy either, because eventually those feelings will all come out at once, which isn’t good for anyone. People have always told me that I am a strong person who can get through anything. I think that put a sort of pressure on me to be strong, stay strong, and don’t crumble, as that would be a sign of weakness. So food was my choice of drug.
Well no more. I got serious again this past January to get rid of this extra weight for good. I am tired of being embarrassed about it, and avoiding certain situations because of it. As of now I have only lost 15 lbs. I was hoping for twice that much by now. So starting this week I’m changing things up a bit. I plan to up the cardio this week. I am going to try my best not to complain when my trainer makes me do stuff that is embarrassing to me, like having my big butt up in the air for the whole gym to see. That is some serious motivation! lol Gotta love him for putting up with me and not giving up on me as I am sure some trainers would have by now. 🙂
I may not blog every day, but I’m going to try to weekly. And if I am having a bad day, I will workout instead of turning to chocolate. 🙂