I failed. I failed and I’m so ashamed. In 2011 I worked my butt off, literally, to lose all the weight that I allowed myself to gain, and in the past year I’ve managed to gain it all back. All of it. A year of hard work, 69 lbs that I kept off for 2 years, all back in a years time. I have no one to blame but myself, but that still doesn’t make it any easier to acknowledge.
In the fall of 2013 I began subbing at my kids’ schools which made it difficult to workout. When I first signed up to sub I didn’t think I would get called that much. I quickly learned by never telling them no I would get put on the first to call list and be subbing all the time. I was exhausted each day when I got home. Teachers truly have my upmost respect cause I don’t know how they do it everyday. Then came the PTA. I never ever wanted to be THAT mom. The PTA mom who does it all. The mom who is always at the school. The mom who never has time for herself. I was asked, well in truth begged, and I accepted. My life went from busy to chaotic the moment I said yes. I barely remember much of Christmas 2013 except for how tired I was and how glad I was for it to be over with. I went from working out 5 days a week to barely working out at all. Old habits returned…I ate due to stress or just out of boredom, forgetting to actually eat when I was truly hungry. I saw I was gaining the weight but I couldn’t seem to get my mindset back to where it used to be. I hate what has happened to me and I hate myself for allowing it.
The range of emotions I feel when I start to think about it is anger, embarrassment, and resentment. The worst part of it is that I somehow feel I let people down. I blogged my entire journey from the start for my own accountability but yet it helped others. I’ve had so many people tell me I inspired them to lose weight and they have had amazing results. I used to hear words like “you look great.” Now I just see the look in others eyes. That look of “what the hell happened to her.” They don’t have to say it with their mouths, their eyes say it for them. I can sense when some have wanted to bring it up but didn’t know how. I quickly changed the subject or would walk away. I didn’t want to talk about it. People say it’s life, it happens. Well not for me! It wasn’t supposed to happen for me! I made a ton of declarations that I would never gain it back and here I am, blogging an admission I never wanted to admit. So ashamed.
I look in the mirror daily and it’s hard to accept what I see. I dodge the camera anytime someone is taking pics. If you take my pic right now you could get hurt. I’m not kidding. My profile pic on all my social media accounts is from August of 2013, and I will not be changing it anytime soon. Some people carry extra weight well. I, however, do not. I’m barely 5’0″, 5 extra pounds shows up on me immediately. I’ll post a pic when I’m ready, but when I’m ready is for me to decide, not anyone else.
So today I begin my journey again. I’m not gonna lie…it sucks! I never wanted to go through this again. I start back at the gym on Monday when the kids go back to school. I’m so happy to say my husband said he would start running with me. Today I go back to eating healthy. I don’t like to call it a diet. It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle change. I will not be subbing as much the next few months and the PTA, well it will just have to wait or they can find someone to replace me. I’m not going to let anything stand in my way anymore. That may sound selfish, but selfishness may be what I need to be right now. I’m going to focus on myself again, my needs, my goals. I’ll be blogging my journey yet once again for those who want to follow me.